Tshirt size: Unisex L-XL
But really, Amazon wishlist is way better:
Now That's True LoveI fumbled for my phone then called my boyfriend Josh in a panic. "Dude," I said as soon as he picked up the phone, "Dude. DUDE!"Now That's True Love by TheSkaBoss
"What?" he mumbled, clearly half-asleep. It was two in the morning, after all. I'd probably woken him up.
"Dude." I repeated. "You know how we made that pact, ages ago?"
"About not dating Alicia? What did you do, man?" Suddenly he was all alert. Good.
"No, nononono. Not that pact. The other pact." I tried to put a sense of urgency into my voice, so he would understand what I was talking about.
"Wait. You're not going to Disneyland without me are you?!" He sounded genuinely distressed this time.
"No," I said again, then dropped my voice to a whisper, "about hiding bodies"
"...Oh." He was quiet for a moment. "Are you fucking with me right now?"
"No! Listen, you remember that guy who moved in recently and kept complaining about Duke's barking?"
"Yeeeah..." said Josh, sounding rather apprehensive.
"Well, it got worse. He started
Hero of the Soviet UnionLyudmila Pavlichenko stared down the barrel of her sniper rifle. She'd had the German soldier in her sights for a good ten minutes while he sat lackadaisically at his post, but she hadn't been able to bring herself to pull the trigger. It just wasn't right, taking a human life. She couldn't make herself do it.Hero of the Soviet Union by TheSkaBoss
She was still trying to work out how to get away with not shooting--what on earth she would tell her superior officers--when something about the soldier's demeanour changed. He sat up straight, attention focused somewhere off to his right. Abruptly, he stood up--Lyudmila's sights still tracking him--raised his rifle, took aim, and fired.
Lyudmila gasped, and took her eye off the scope quickly. She was just in time to catch sight of a lone Russian soldier go down at the edge of the trees. Unsure of quite why she was doing it, she swung her rifle around and looked down the scope at him. She stared, appalled. She recognised the dead young man. She knew him. She'd talked to hi
A Heady NightIt was just your average Thursday night, nothing special about it. The rain was falling, the streets were quiet, and Adam Knott was walking home from work at The Institute. He had his headphones in as he always did, music blaring, head nodding along to the rhythm. There was nothing about it even remotely out of the ordinary, right up until the moment the back of his head exploded with a violent starburst of agony and he lost consciousness.A Heady Night by TheSkaBoss
"I've done this procedure a hundred and twenty-two times, there is nothing to worry about. We will start by removing your head..." was the first thing he heard upon waking. He opened his eyes to see two hands reaching towards him, so close they blocked out the sight of almost everything else. Adam, naturally, screamed, and passed out again.
The next time he awoke there was no voice to greet him. Everything was so quiet, in fact, that it took him quite a long while to even realise that he was awake. He lay there floating in a sensoryless void, still l
A Bad DayWe decided on a hugging policy years ago. Three seconds - counted by rocking to the side - meant everything was fine. Any less, meant he was stressed but didn't want to talk about it; any longer, signalled the need for a good cry.A Bad Day by TheSkaBoss
When he hugged me this morning I lost count at about fifty-five.
Polly Desires a Soylent CrackerOnce upon a time there was a peculiar pirate ship in the mediterranean sea. This was no ordinary pirate ship of the kind you may have heard about before, you see - no, this pirate ship, although it looked just the same as all the others before it, was of a new cybernetic design, entirely controlled by a superintelligent AI named Polly. Now, Polly preferred to take the disguise of a hologramatic parrot most of the time, as she didn't really like talking to humans and desired to hide her superintelligence from the crew. This suited Captain Morgan Bytebeard just fine, as it meant that as far as his crew were concerned, he was the one who ran this ship. They all thought Polly was just a standard holoparrot. They thought Bytebeard was basically God-like in his supernatural knowledge and handling of The Jonny Deep--which had swiftly earned a reputation as the fastest and deadliest pirate ship in the mediterranean--and he wanted to keep it that way.Polly Desires a Soylent Cracker by TheSkaBoss
Unfortunately for Bytebeard,
Little Rabbit Foo-FooIt was late in the evening one Thursday night and Little Rabbit Foo-Foo was hopping drunkenly through the forest, doing what he always did whenever he was this drunk--namely, scooping up any fieldmice he could find and bopping them on the head. The fieldmice protested this treatment of course, but in his drunken state he found their high-pitched pleas amusing and they only served to spur him on further.Little Rabbit Foo-Foo by TheSkaBoss
He was only halfway through the forest when the trees suddenly lit up around him, and all the fieldmice took advantage of the distraction to scamper away from him. As he stared in shock and confusion, a round and winged form appeared and waved its finger at him crossly before identifying itself as Merryweather, the Good Fairy. "Little Rabbit Foo-Foo, I don't like your attitude," she said, "scooping up the fieldmice and bopping them on the head. Now I'm gonna give you two more chances to reform, and then I'm gonna turn you in to a ghoul."
Then she waved her magic wand and he found himsel
ZebahIt rained on the night my brother disappeared. You might think that's not worth mentioning, but when you live in a desert rainfall is a huge deal. I'd never seen it rain before that night. Course, I don't have all that many years to my name, but my Granddad swears he's never seen it rain other than that night either, and he must be a thousand years old. What he reckons happened is, right, that my brother's disappearance is what caused the rain. Like he was some sort of sacrifice or something. He said it's what we get for naming him Zebah, but I don't know what he means by that.Zebah by TheSkaBoss
I'll ask my Mom later; she's the one who named him. She's busy taking advantage of the rain right now though; we were in dire need of it and she's storing as much as she can. I never knew we had so many containers lying around! She must have been saving them for quite some time.
Richard IncarceratedRichard 'That Weird Kid' Smith* was having a rough time of it. Stuck in his swank and roomy prison cell with its beautiful and luxurious furnishings, he brooded endlessly about all the brooding he wasn't being allowed to do. Day in and day out his jailer kept up a cheerful countenance, regaling him with happy stories, smiles and laughter that Richard returned soured, if at all.Richard Incarcerated by TheSkaBoss
The cheerful monotony continued unbroken for so long that Richard had completely lost track of the days by the time something new happened; a glowing parchment floating down through the air in front of him - seemingly from the Heavens, but if so he had no idea how it had managed to pass through the ceiling. Inspecting the seal, he found it to be one he didn't recognise - a triangle, with a perpendicular line jutting out in the centre of each side, and a crescent moon in the middle. Curious, he opened the scroll.
"Dear Richard Imperator Mortui: You've got mail. If you wish to read it, you must first register for
Long Bet"Oh, you poor, puny Earthling." I shake my head in pity and reach out to it, but of course my mandible just hits the screen and they carry on with their little dramas, blissfully unaware of my ever-watching presence.Long Bet by TheSkaBoss
I've never understood why they broadcast their ship's logs in this way. It surely can't be good for their security. My current leading theory is that it's a show of arrogance; a long display of their wit and bravery designed to both intimidate their enemies and show that they really would prefer peace, if given the option. Broken up into short 'episodes' in such a way as to make for easy digestion of the information.
I admired it, if I'm being truthful. I had fallen in love with this immature, playful species and their shenanigans. So much so that I had followed their signal here all the way from Phryllaryxxkilai, many light years away. I had brought with me many approximations of things I had seen Earthlings using on the screen - my way of showing them that I had read and
CSWW and the Bratwurst ConfusionThe angry mob of villagers was approaching fast, each brandishing an enormous bratwurst like a weapon. Cedric the seriously weedy Wizard was in big trouble. Drawing his own, much smaller, sausage from its sheath where his dagger used to reside, he pointed it in the vague direction of the mob and scrambled backwards onto his horse. His horse, just as weedy and wimpy as he was and very unused to its new role as getaway vehicle, bolted before he could mount it properly. He slid off its back and was deposited in a large mud puddle, just in time for the mob to reach him.CSWW and the Bratwurst Confusion by TheSkaBoss
"Oi!" the big, burly blacksmith in front shouted, "Cedric! You bloody great git of a bleedin' wizard! What the 'eck do ya think you're doing to our tools?!" He thrust the gigantic bratwurst he was holding in Cedric's muddy face.
It smelt of fire, and charred pieces flecked down on top of Cedric. He suspected the blacksmith had been in the middle of forging something when his spell had backfired. "I-I-I-," he stammered, and
Star StoriesMy father once said that all the stories that ever could be are written in the stars, ready to lull you to sleep, if you only know how to read them. The trick is, he said, to learn that none of them are complete on their own, but all weave in together. That way, you can mix and match any number of stars.Star Stories by TheSkaBoss
Tonight's tale stars a huntsman who has to fight two bears, one big and one small, in order to rescue the chained lady. I've not read it before, but I can already tell it's a good one.
Stranger at the Baggage ClaimI stand at the baggage claim at the airport with my eyes on the conveyor belt opening and my hands in my pockets, not bothering to hide my boredom. This is my least favourite part of travelling. My bag always seems to come out later rather than sooner, but I always have to get here first because the one time I didn't, I missed mine and had to stay the longest.Stranger at the Baggage Claim by TheSkaBoss
A girl trundles up next to me pushing a large trolley designed for a lot more than one suitcase. She's not wearing a uniform, so I can only assume her family have sent her to fetch all of their luggage for them, and can't help but feel sorry for her. I offer her a sympathetic smile, and she grins at me quite cheerfully, so I guess she doesn't mind their treating her like a doormat.
A pink Hello Kitty suitcase comes down the line and the girl makes a grab for it. She's far too old to like that nonsense herself, so I assume it's for a younger sister. A Ben 10 and a Mickey Mouse shortly follow it, and I'm beginn
Open Letter to Julie Burchill(In response to the article Transsexuals should cut it out; my original post can be found on my blog. Please share indiscriminately.)Open Letter to Julie Burchill by angeljunkie
I am a twenty-nine year old university student, writer and editor, and I am transgendered. There are a number of situations that fall under that category, but in my case it means that I am male, but happened to be born physically female. There was never a moment when it “occurred” to me that I was male; I always knew it. I was confused for a long time about why I wasn’t treated like the
dear teen meDear Sarah,dear teen me by zebrazebrazebra
Remember that time you tried to top yourself by hiding under the covers? That was hilarious. I remember you tugging at the edges of the blanket and praying, without a shred of scientific evidence, that the lack of oxygen would be enough to kill you. You sat under there for something like fifteen minutes before you gave up and went to make a sandwich. But while you were under there, choking a little on your pillow because you never washed your sheets, I remember you thought someone was watching. Someone who understood your suffering. Someone who understood you.
Kid, that was me. And I've got two words for you: man up. Life can get a whole lot harder than this. Before too much longer, it's going to. And by the time you get to my age, you're going to be glad.
Why were you
The Mucky AngelIt was a cold day in late November when the angel first perched atop the tree. It was not like the angels that had come before. Where once little bulbs had flickered, LEDs now beamed their glorious light out into the sky. Where once a ratty cotton garment had swung glumly in the breeze, elegant synthetic fabrics now fluttered joyfully, wreathing the plastic limbs with silken life. And where once flaking paint had stood for features—eyes and nose—a head of polyethylene looked down upon the crowd, outsmiling the children far below. The angel was a marvel, sparkling with fifty colours atop the tree, but most marvellous of all was the sign it held before it. In shining liquid crystal, the sign blazed out its message to the crowd: "SEASON'S GREETINGS." And the sign too blinked and flashed.The Mucky Angel by DamonWakes
Yes, the angel was a marvel. And the angel knew this. It knew it in the happy faces of the shoppers, and it knew it in its own light. For nothing else upon that tree could outdo the angel. No bauble held
GreyscaleInsanity is never black and white.
You don't just reach a breaking point and crack,
As if your 'sane' switch flipped from white to black
And madness took you over overnight.
It's more a subtle shifting in your sights
And thoughts that run a little off the track.
At first you plow on through, pick up the slack,
At first you know that something isn't right.
Subconsciously you bury it inside,
Put on a happy mask to face the world.
You act like nothing's wrong, you act alright -
Now 'wrong' is your 'alright'; you never lied.
You find your truth distorted, bent and curled;
To you your greyscaled madness shines pure white.
I Am The GhostI am the ghost that walks these halls,
The noises you hear behind the walls,
The swirls and eddies that chill the air,
The squeaks and creaks upon the stairs.
I am the presence that makes your skin crawl.
I come in the night when the darkness falls.
Black is my colour, and black are my calls,
Black are the shadows I always wear.
I am the ghost.
I am the thoughts you don't want to recall,
The ones you recoil from, shocked and appalled.
I am all of your secret fears and despairs,
Every anxious thought, every burden you bear.
I am the you that scrawls all over these walls -
I am the ghost.
YES YOU! RIGHT THERE!
If you're about to leave a comment I KNOW you can see this box! Stop right there and think about what you're doing! If you're about to thank me for something - DON'T.
Don't thank me for a llama, just return the favour.
Don't thank me for a fav or a watch. You're not obligated to return the favour either. But if you really WANT to thank me, I'd much prefer you take the time to read just one thing of mine. You don't have to fave it, you don't have to comment on it, just read it. That's all I ask.
FROM THIS POINT ONWARDS I WILL BE HIDING ALL THANK YOU COMMENTS.